I have been reading through some post and God Damn some of you are funny!!
So I say we start the new year off with a "Funny Post" thread.
here are some funny ones I read.....
Facial hair - Page 6
As you get a little older like myself you learn certain facts and truths that you live by or abide by that make life a lot simpler and easier.
Bear with me here that point will be obvious here in a minute.
Now most men learn at a fairly age that it is not advisable nor is it safe to make fun of or even say the wrong thing at the wrong time of the month.
As one gets older this mystery to us men is approached by being much more understanding than at any other time, with extreme caution armed with chocolate and flowers and we find that our life is safe at least for another month.
I shall digress here for a moment there is a point.
My wife is so damn beautiful it makes you want to cry. Everywhere she goes people ask her if she is Diane McInerney. They could be twins. For 47 she is in great shape.
Her only problem is that about every 6 weeks she has to go have her upper lip waxed because she has a lot of fine hair that left unremoved becomes noticeable. She gets her eyebrows and her upper lip done at the same time.
I dont know if it is normal I have no idea and I do not dare ask but when she has this done she comes up real red around the eyes and her upper lip for about 2 days. Needless to say her visits to the beauty salon are coordinated so that she does not have to leave the house for 2 or 3 days.
The first time I went along and she got her eyebrows and upper lip done she left the salon with a headscarf around her head and sunglasses on. When we got home and she removed the scarf and sunglasses. I could not help but burst into laughter and made a remark about her looking like Coco the clown.
If looks could have killed I would have been dead on the spot. I am not a person that scares easily but I felt a kind of dark menacing fear come over me as she stood there her eyes were just burning holes in me.
Not the smartest move in the world and one I shall not repeat. Sleeping with the dogs on the basement family room couch/the silent treatment/ eating sandwiches for 3 days was not fun.
There are times it is best to say nothing.
Delkid- you a funny man
Years ago a friend of mine came into town for a few days I had not seen for a long time so we arranged to go out for a few beers. We went to a real nice microbrewery kind of place and if I say so myself they had some nice beer.
The last thing I had done before leaving home was to promise the wife I would not have too much to drink or be home too late. Well needless to say the microbrew was tasty and time passed very quickly.
After realising I was 2 hours past the time I said I would be home I asked the young lady behind the bar if she would call me a cab. I was fine until I hit the fresh air and the beer started having an effect. I was happy as all hell the cab took me home and it was then I knew i was in trouble.
The lights were out and the door was locked and I hadnt taken my keys with me. I head to the back door and ring the doorbell and no answer. I called on my cellphone and she would not answer. Then I get the bright idea to stick my head inside the doggy door to beg her to let me in. I finally coaxed her out of the front room and begged her to let me in. She came into the kitchen switched the light on and it was that moment that sealed my fate that night.
She had on her housecoat and had rollers in her hair and green stuff all over her face. I couldnt help but laugh and remember making a lighthearted remark about her looking like a Klingon. I was then informed that I was welcome to sleep it off on the porch and that I was a pig. Off she stormed to bed.
I realised my mistake and was kicking myself for it but then an idea dawned on me. If I took off my coat and sweater I could probably squeeze through the doggy door. I was determined to sleep in my own bed or at the very least the couch that night. Some ideas seem really doable when you have had a few beers and I thought I could really do it.
Long story short I got totally stuck with one arm and my head and shoulders jammed in the doggy door. It took a while of wriggling and trying to get out but I knew I was stuck. There was nothing to do but to call for help. Eventually she came down and saw my predicament. The first thing she did was laugh like hell at me and after a good 10 minutes of laughing at me decided that maybe she should help extricate me from the bad situation I was in.
She could not move me so I suggested she call my brother. He arrived and after 10 minutes of laughter from him he tried to get me out. No dice I was not getting out of this one easily at all. My Brother felt the need to call my Father who bought my Mother with him and they tried for half an hour to get me out.
Nothing was working so the bright idea was made to call the Fire Department. I was pretty much against this idea as I knew a few of the guys at the local station and I knew I would get crap for it. So the call was made. Whilst waiting for the Fire department to come my Brother very graciously held my head tight so I couldnt move and my wife while being egged on by my Father and Brother applied lipstick,eyeshadow,mascara dangley ear rings and a blond wig the girls used to play with.
Suffice to say they were proud of their work and decided to take a few pictures for a keepsake.
So end result was the Fire Dept arrived and extricated me from my position but not before everyone had a good laugh at my expense.
As my wife says.
A meal and a few beers with a friend and a taxi home $100
New Back door as the old one was destroyed. $450
Bill from the Fire Department. $375
Donation to the Fire Dept for being good guys. $250
Revenge for saying she looked like a klingon. Priceless.