From My Inbox

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CAR KEYS Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.) "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off" ! Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car." Yep it's the golden years...............

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>Iwas in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks.
> >
> >Then I noticed two rather large women sitting at the bar.
> >
> >They both had strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
> >
> >One of them screamed, "It's Wales, you IDIOT!"
> >
> >I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?"
> >
> >That's all I remember.

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THE ITALIAN POKER CLUB

Seven retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single-hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade,the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.

The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.

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SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE.

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making
her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The
attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,
but she could wait until it was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not
to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted
the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary
Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried
the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across
the street. One of them turned to the other and said,

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

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Here’s a little red-light story somebody told me a long time ago. This guy’s drivin’ along, he’s got someone sittin’ right next to him in the passenger seat, and he goes straight through a red light. ZOOOOM!

Passenger says, “Whaddaya doin’?”

Driver says, “Never mind! My brother drives like this.”

They go a little farther, and come to another red light. ZOOM! Guy goes right through it!

“Whaddaya doin’?”

“Will you stop? I told ya, my brother drives like this.”

He keeps on goin’, and now he comes to a green light. He slams on the brakes.

“Whaddaya doin’?”

“Well, you never know. My brother might be comin’ the other way!”

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> What Religion is Your Bra? > > A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy 's > And shyly walked up to > The woman behind the counter and said, > "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." > "What type of bra?" > Asked the clerk. > > "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?" > > "Look around," > Said the saleslady, > As she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour > And material imaginable. > > > "Actually, > Even with all of this variety, > There are really only > Four types of bras to choose from." > Relieved, the man asked > About the types. > The saleslady replied: > "There are the Catholic, > The Salvation Army, > The Presbyterian, > And the Baptist types. > Which one would you prefer?" > > > Now totally befuddled, > The man asked about > The differences between them. > The Saleslady responded, > "It is all really quite simple. ... > > > The Catholic type > Supports the masses; > > The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; > The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and > The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

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2012 Annual DarwinAwards Nominee No. 1:[ San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend'swindshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. Nominee No. 2:[ Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of AlamoMI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." Nominee No. 3:[ Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in NewtonNC . Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith &Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. Nominee No. 4:[UPI, Toronto ]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Torontoskyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said GarryHoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of theToronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. PeterLawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like. Nominee No. 5:[The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. Nominee No. 6:[The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff'sinvestigators said. Greg ory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryorwas cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. Nominee No. 7:[Reuters, Mississauga ,Ontario ]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector DarcyHoner of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said. Finally, THE WINNER!!!:[ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputyDovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. ThurstonPoole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to DesArc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlightfuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded oneastbound toward the White River Bridge . After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poolesuffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," statedWallis "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole 's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck? Though Poole and Wallisdid not die as a result of theirmisadventure as normally required byDarwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

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Some take a while to understand. Hope you southerners I’m sending this to will help those Northern friends with the meanings of these pronunciations. Medical Terms in the South The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails. Rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously. Medical Term Redneck Definition Artery - The study of paintings Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria Barium - What doctors do when patients die Benign - What you be, after you be eight Caesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome Cat scan - Searching for Kitty Cauterize - Made eye contact with her Colic - A sheep dog Coma - A punctuation mark Dilate - To live long Enema - Not a friend Fester - Quicker than someone else Fibula - A small lie Impotent - Distinguished, well known Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane Morbid - A higher offer Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working at Night, Normally more money than Days Node - I knew it Outpatient - A person who has fainted Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis Post Operative - A letter carrier Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery Rectum - Nearly killed him Secretion - Hiding something Seizure - Roman Emperor Tablet - A small table Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport Tumor - One plus one more Urine - Opposite of you're out

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Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take
> > without forgetting.
> >
> > One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut,
> > he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot
> > accept moneyfrom you; I'm doing community service this week.
> >
> > The florist was pleased and left the shop.
> >
> > When the barber went to open his shop the next morning,
> > there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him
> > at his door.
> >
> > Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay
> > his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you
> >
> > I'm doing
> community service this week.The cop was happy and left
> > the shop.
> > The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a
> > 'thank you'
> > card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
> >
> > Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to
> > pay his bill, the barber again replied,I cannot accept money
> > from you.
> > I'm doing community service this week.
> >
> > The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
> >
> > The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were
> > 2 dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
> >

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Irish Alzheimer's

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided ya would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.

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Idiots at Hello Operator HELLO, OPERATOR Actual call center conversations! Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?' Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?' Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.' Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.' ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++ Samsung Electronics Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?' Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.' Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?' Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- RAC Motoring Services Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?' Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe ) 'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Directory Enquiries Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please' Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?' Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.' ------------------ ---------------------------------------------------- Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?' Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.' Customer: 'OK.' Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?' Customer: 'No.' Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?' Customer: 'No.' Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?' Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?' Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.............. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.' Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?' Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .' Operator: 'What sort of trouble??' Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.' Operator: 'Went away?' Caller: 'They disappeared' Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?' Caller: 'Nothing.' Operator: 'Nothing??' Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.' Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?' Caller: 'How do I tell?' Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?' Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?' Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?' Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..' Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??' Caller: 'What's a monitor?' Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?' Caller: 'I don't know.' Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??' Caller: 'Yes, I think so.' Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.. Caller: 'Yes, it is.' Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? ' Caller: 'No.' Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.' Caller: 'Okay, here it is.' Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer..' Caller: 'I can't reach.' Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?' Caller: 'No..' Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?' Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.' Operator: 'Dark?' Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.' Caller: 'I can't.' Operator: 'No? Why not?' Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.' Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?' Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..' Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.' Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?' Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.' Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?' Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'

[longnecker]

VERY INTERESTING LETTER !


ORANGE COUNTY ( CALIFORNIA ) NEWSPAPER- New Immigrants
This is a very good letter to the editor. This woman made some good points..
For some reason, people have difficulty structuring their arguments when arguing against supporting the currently proposed immigration revisions. This lady made the argument pretty simple. NOT printed in the Orange County Paper...................

Newspapers simply won't publish letters to the editor which they either deem politically incorrect (read below) or which does not agree with the philosophy they're pushing on the public. This woman wrote a great letter to the editor that should have been published; but, with your help it will get published via cyberspace!

From: "David LaBonte"

My wife, Rosemary, wrote a wonderful letter to the editor of the OC Register which, of course, was not printed. So, I decided to "print" it myself by sending it out on the Internet. Pass it along if you feel so inclined. Written in response to a series of letters to the editor in the Orange County Register:

Dear Editor:



So many letter writers have based their arguments on how this land is made up of immigrants. Ernie Lujan for one, suggests we should tear down the Statue of Liberty because the people now in question aren't being treated the same as those who passed through Ellis Island and other ports of entry.

Maybe we should turn to our history books and point out to people like Mr. Lujan why today's American is not willing to accept this new kind of immigrant any longer. Back in 1900 when there was a rush from all areas of Europe to come to the United States, people had to get off a ship and stand in a long line in New York and be documented. Some would even get down on their hands and knees and kiss the ground. They made a pledge to uphold the laws and support their new country in good and bad times. They made learning English a primary rule in their new American households and some even changed their names to blend in with their new home.

They had waved good bye to their birth place to give their children a new life and did everything in their power to help their children assimilate into one culture. Nothing was handed to them. No free lunches, no welfare, no labor laws to protect them. All they had were the skills and craftsmanship they had brought with them to trade for a future of prosperity.

Most of their children came of age when World War II broke out. My father fought alongside men whose parents had come straight over from Germany , Italy , France and Japan . None of these 1st generation Americans ever gave any thought about what country their parents had come from. They were Americans fighting Hitler, Mussolini and the Emperor of Japan . They were defending the United States of America as one people.

When we liberated France , no one in those villages were looking for the French-American or the German American or the Irish American. The people of France saw only Americans. And we carried one flag that represented one country. Not one of those immigrant sons would have thought about picking up another country's flag and waving it to represent who they were. It would have been a disgrace to their parents who had sacrificed so much to be here. These immigrants truly knew what it meant to be an American. They stirred the melting pot into one red, white and blue bowl.

And here we are with a new kind of immigrant who wants the same rights and privileges. Only they want to achieve it by playing with a different set of rules, one that includes the entitlement card and a guarantee of being faithful to their mother country. I'm sorry, that's not what being an American is all about. I believe that the immigrants who landed on Ellis Island in the early 1900's deserve better than that for all the toil, hard work and sacrifice in raising future generations to create a land that has become a beacon for those legally searching for a better life. I think they
would be appalled that they are being used as an example by those waving foreign country flags.

And for that suggestion about taking down the Statue of Liberty , it happens to mean a lot to the citizens who are voting on the immigration bill. I wouldn't start talking about dismantling the United States just yet.

(signed)
Rosemary LaBonte

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Breaking News






WASHINGTON, DC (AP Feb 20,2013)- Sources close to the White House have

Learned that Barack Obama is planning to run for the office of Pope when the



College of Cardinals convenes to elect a successor to ailing Benedict XVI at



The end of this month.



Calling on the promise of Equality for All, Obama is said to firmly believe



That the time has come for a non-Catholic to occupy the Vatican's highest



Office.







Foreseeing a looming citizenship issue he states that he has discovered an



Italian birth certificate that proves he was born in Rome before he was born



In Kenya. "That Hawaiian birth certificate never has been worth what I paid



For it anyway", he noted.






Continuing, he concluded, "And there's no way that a handful of cardinals


Could be more expensive to buy than 10 million voters in Michigan."


Further questions should be directed to Obama's Papal Campaign Manager,


Abdul Azeem Khan

[Curly]

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CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY . . .

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who
runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.



Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY . . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood !

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Where
> are your glasses?
>
> Yesterday
> my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking
> about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of
> conversation.
>
> She
> said she was only "thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center
> and hang out with the guys.
>
> I did just that and when I got home last
> night, I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of "my business". I
> told her that I joined a parachute club.
>
> She said ""Are you nuts? You're
> almost 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"" I
> proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
>
> She said to me
> ""Good grief! Where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club,
> not a Parachute Club!""
>
> "I'm in trouble again and I don't know what to
> do"."I
> signed up for five jumps a week!",I
> told her.
> She
> fainted.
>
> Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but
> sometimes it can be fun.

[longnecker]

Kim Jung Un had NO military experience whatsoever before Daddy made him a four-star general.
This snot-nosed twerp had never accomplished anything in his life that would even come close to military leadership.
He hadn't even so much as led a Cub Scout troop, coached a sports team, or commanded a military platoon.
So he is made the "Beloved Leader" Of NorthKorea.
Terrific!-
-
-
-
Oh crap!

I'm sorry.
I just remembered that we did the same thing.
We took an arrogant bastard communityorganizer, who had never worn a uniform, and made him Commander-in-Chief.
A guy, who had never had a real job, worked on a budget, or led anything more than an ACORN demonstration, and we made him "Beloved Leader" of the United States
TWICE !!!

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Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles.

Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born
and raised in Mexico ?"

Al replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know, Señor, I ask the cook." He
returns from the kitchen a few minutes later and says, "No, Señor,
the cook say no Mexican Jews."

Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos,' replies, "I
check once again, Señor."

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe
that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered
everywhere.

The waiter returns and says, "Señor, the head cook say there is
no Mexican Jews."

Al asks, "Are you certain? I just can't believe there are no
Mexican Jews."

The exasperated waiter says, "Señor, I ask EVERYONE... All we
have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews and Tomato Jews.

[longnecker]

o) From a Marine Corps Colonel in Afghanistan...... "So with all the kindness I can muster, I give this one piece of advice to the next pop star who is asked to sing the national anthem at a sporting event: save the vocal gymnastics and the physical gyrations for your concerts. Just sing this song the way you were taught to sing it in kindergarten - straight up, no styling. "Sing it with the constant awareness that there are soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines watching you from bases and outposts all over the world. Don't make them cringe with your self-centeredego gratification. Sing it as if you are standing before a row of 86-year-old WWII vets wearing their Purple Hearts, Silver Stars and flag pins on their cardigans and you want them to be proud of you for honoring them and the country they love - not because you want them to think you are asuperstar musician. They could see that from your costume, makeup and your entourage. Sing 'The Star Spangled Banner' with the courtesy and humility that tells the audience that it is about America , not you. And please remember, not everything has to be sung as a Negro spiritual. We're getting a little weary of that. Francis Scott Key does not need any help."