From My Inbox

[longnecker]

Husband Down in Aisle #5
>
> A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket
> The husband picks up a case of Bud weiser and puts it in their cart.
> "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale,
> only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them"
> demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
>
> A few aisles further on the woman picks up a $20 jar of face
> cream and puts it in the basket.
> "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
> "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
> Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Bud weiser and it's half the price."
> He never knew what hit him.

[longnecker]

Tired of constantly Being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' Put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000. The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few Days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave The premises. Under intense Questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the Newspaper, the headline declared... (You're going to hate me for this...) 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco' Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

[longnecker]

Subject: Tree Hugger A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care, they turned you down!"

[longnecker]

DOG FOR SALE A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nicelooking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearinga dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told theCIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,sitting in rooms with spiesand world leaders, becauseno one figured adogwould be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eightyears running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'

[longnecker]

A Child's View of Thunderstorms

A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.

The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school. She also feared the electrical storm might harm her child. Full of concern, the mother got into her car and quickly drove along the route to her child's school. As she did, she saw her little girl walking along.

At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile. More lightning followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile

When the mother drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called, "What are you doing?"
The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture."

[longnecker]

New sign for front door

DUE TO THE PRICE INCREASE

ON AMMUNITION...

DO NOT EXPECT A

WARNING SHOT !

Thank you for your understanding

[longnecker]

1 of 12

Harlequin Romance, Version 2012 He grasped me firmly , but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax." Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. Ifelt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say "Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

[longnecker]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and
"in heat', agreed to look after her
neighbours male dog while the neighbours
were on holiday.

She had a large house and believed that
she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to
sleep she heard awful howling and
moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and
found the dogs locked together, in
obvious pain, and unable to disengage,
as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as
to what to do next, she called the vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the
vet said, "Hang up the phone and place
it down alongside the dogs. I will then
call you back, the noise of the ringing
will make the male lose his erection and
he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

[longnecker]

Ralph and Edna Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry... How soon can I go home?"

[longnecker]

> > > > PATSY, THE ITALIAN FUNERAL DOG. > > > > > > An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store with her espresso > > when she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching > > the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black > > hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. > > > > Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian woman walking a dog on > > a leash. > > > > Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single > > file. > > > > The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached > > the Italian woman walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your > > loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a > > Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" > > > > "My husband's." > > > > ''What happened to him?" > > > > "He yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed him." > > > > She inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" > > > > The Italian woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help > > my husband when the dog turned on her." > > > > A very poignant and touching moment of Italian sisterhood and silence > > passed between the two women. > > > > "Can I borrow the dog?" > > > > The woman replied, "Get in line."

[longnecker]

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years, they have become loose and floppy.
>
> Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
>
> Awakening from the anaesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
>
> Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
>
> "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
>
> The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
>
> "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
> "And what about the third rose?" she asked.
>
> "That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to
> thank youfor his new ears."

[longnecker]

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
> > 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
> > 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
> > 3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
> > 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
> > 5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
> > 6. If all is not lost, where is it?
> > 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
> > 8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
> > 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
> > 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
> > 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
> > 12 . It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
> > 13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in
> > the bathroom.
> > 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
> > 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play
> > chess?
> > 16. It’s not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
> > 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
> > 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go
> > somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
> > 19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
> > 20. I'M UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHETHER I'VE SENT YOU THIS BEFORE.

[Grin]

Thanks for the chuckle, and welcome back.

[longnecker]

Senior Drivers License

A man was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a
hedge and coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair.

"My goodness" he exclaimed, "you are quite old to be driving!"

"Yes" she replied," I am old enough that I don't need a license anymore. The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a drivers license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket." "You won't be needing this anymore," he said.

"So I thanked him and left."

[Curly]

I saw her standing there and I told her she had three beautiful children. She didn't have to get all pissed off and threaten me. It was an honest mistake.

[Pramick]

Curly, You are too funny!!

[longnecker]

*"JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT*" A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him. The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat." The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly. As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door. Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door. Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me .... I'm on disability.

[Kid Lester]

That's a damn funny joke LOL

[longnecker]

Call The Doctor
> >
> > A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the
> > sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now,
> > asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same
> > time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be
> > very dangerous.
> > Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the
> > resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and
> > the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts
> > more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
> > It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough
> > from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.

[longnecker]

A doctor in Duluth , Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. "Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients." "Yes, sir!" answers Ole. The doctor goes hunting and returnsthe following day and asks: "So, Ole, how was your day?" Ole told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL." "Bravo, mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: ‘HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!’" "Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, What did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes!!" . You thought I was sending a dirty joke!! NOT ME!