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Thread: From My Inbox

  1. #301
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    Re: From My Inbox

    Paul Zerdin, ventriloquist without a dummy

    The dummy, an indispensable ventriloquist prop, so you would have thought. But no, ventriloquist Paul Zerdin manages without one, with a little help from the audience.


    http://www.boreme.com/posting.php?id=27735&page=1
    Some people have cats and go on to lead perfectly normal lives.

  2. #302
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    Re: From My Inbox

    An illegal alien, in Polk County , Florida , who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop, ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A state-wide manhunt ensued.

    The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area. As soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.

    Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor, undocumented immigrant 68 times.

    Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: "Because that's all the ammunition we had." Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what!

    The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes. When asked by a reporter how that could be, since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied: (BEST QUOTE ever) ... "When you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die.

  3. #303
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    Re: From My Inbox



    Administrative Assistant Position

    Tuesday, March 6, 2012 9:27 PM



    For more than 10 years now we have established our credentials as the world’s largest financial agency by opening over 20 offices world wide.
    These offices are spread throughout Ireland, the UK, Australia, South Africa and now New Zealand.

    We are now looking for more recruits to join our US offices.
    Top compensation (we are paying $14.00-$16.50/hour), immediate start, paid training,
    and a rewarding work environment are just a few of the benefits of this position.

    Successful applicants will:
    - Possess excellent communication skills;
    - Have a strong work ethic;
    - Have good people skills; and
    - Have a positive attitude and high energy.

    Successful applicants will receive:
    - A live in position;
    - Fantastic earning potential;
    - Full !!!paid!!! training;
    - National and International travel opportunities; and
    - A fun and exciting working environment.

    If you would like to hear more about working with us then reply back with your latest resume!

    Our mail: Scottie@usajobbsgov.com

  4. #304
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    Talking Re: From My Inbox

    Childbirth at 65


    With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.



    When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

    "May I see the new baby?" I asked.

    "Not yet," she said... "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while, first."

    Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the new baby now?"

    "No, not yet," she said.

    After another few minutes had elapsed,

    I asked again, "May I see the baby now?"

    "No, not yet," replied my friend.

    Growing very impatient, I asked,
    "Well, when can I see the baby?"

    "WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me.

    "WHEN HE CRIES?" I demanded.
    "Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?"

    "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!"























  5. #305
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    Re: From My Inbox

    Subject: Blonde in Methodist Church










    A local,North Carolina preacher said to his congregation, "Someone



    in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.




    This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot




    tolerate. I am offended and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want




    the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this




    Christian Family."









    No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face




    me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and




    in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your




    transgression."









    Again all was quiet.









    Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop




    traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice




    quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible




    misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.




    I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the




    sheets."









    The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.









    KNOWLEDGE is knowing a tomato is a fruit; but -




    WISDOM is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  6. #306
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    Re: From My Inbox


    The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

    The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

    The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

    The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
    'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

    It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
    But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,


    ''Where are your testicles?''

    The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''

  7. #307
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    Re: From My Inbox

    'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher


    I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the
    best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few
    years back.

    When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my
    students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty
    tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch,
    stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.
    If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

    Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes
    her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under
    her sweater.

    She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm
    going to tell you about his birthday.'

    'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed
    in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an
    umbrella cord.'

    She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh
    and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

    'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'
    Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for,
    like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and
    groaning.)

    'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign
    on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.'
    (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

    'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got
    thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!'
    (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away.
    It was too
    much!)

    'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
    They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out
    comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from
    Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out,
    the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'

    Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

    I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day,
    I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along

  8. #308
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    Re: From My Inbox

    Wise Italian Grandfather

    Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

    An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ....38 revolver so you will always remember me."

    "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

    "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of Goo bah. "

    "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

    "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘timesa up’? “

  9. #309
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    Re: From My Inbox

    To All My Intelligent Friends



    Keep that brain working; see if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?



    1. Banana

    2. Dresser

    3. Grammar

    4. Potato

    5. Revive

    6. Uneven

    7. Assess



    Give it another try....



    Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.

    This is so cool.....



    REMEMBER I ONLY SENT THIS TO MY SMART FRIENDS



    NOW DON'T LET ME DOWN



    No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters....



    Answer is below!























    Answer:



    In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send this to more people and stump them as well


  10. #310
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    Re: From My Inbox

    Chinese Proverb Original:--



    ‘Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.



    2012 Modification/update:



    Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with free monthly minutes, cash for clunker autos, food stamps, section 8 housing, free contraceptives, Medicaid, a hundred weeks+ of unemployment checks, a forty ounce malt liquor, access to drugs, and designer Air Jordan shoes, and he will vote Democrat for a lifetime.’

  11. #311
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    Re: From My Inbox







    I'm going to bite the bullet, too!!!! What cut would you make?









    If it works for him it should work for me

    President Obama ordered the cabinet to cut $100,000,000.00 ($100 million) from the $3,500,000,000,000.00 ($3.5 trillion) federal budget.

    I'm so impressed by this sacrifice that I have decided to do the same thing with my personal budget. I spend about $2,000 a month on groceries, household expenses, medicine, utilities, etc., but it's time to get out the budget cutting axe, go through my expenses, and cut back.

    I'm going to cut my spending at exactly the same ratio (1/35,000) of my total budget. After doing the math, it looks like instead of spending $2,000 a month, I'm going to have to cut that number by six cents. Yes, I'm going to have to get by with $1999.94, but that's what sacrifice is all about.

    I'll just have to do without some things, that are, frankly, luxuries – six cents worth.

    Did this President actually think no one would do the math? Please send this so people understand how idiotic a $100 million cut is in a $3.5 trillion budget – ludicrous.














  12. #312
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    Re: From My Inbox

    I think regardless, 100 million is a lot of money.

  13. #313
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    Re: From My Inbox

    Quote Originally Posted by Chase View Post
    I think regardless, 100 million is a lot of money.
    When it goes to NPR and PBS it sure seems to be.

  14. #314
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    Re: From My Inbox

    Dad was right

    A FATHER'S DEAL

    A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
    father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

    His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C
    to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll
    talk about the car.'

    The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
    offer, and they agreed on it.

    After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades
    up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
    disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

    The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
    noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samsonhad long hair, John the
    Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
    evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

    You’re going to love the Dad's reply:






    ---- his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere
    they went?

  15. #315
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    Re: From My Inbox

    While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual
    information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

    Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew
    take you safely to Afghanistan '

    An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
    'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

    When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
    'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

    'My God,' he said , 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
    with only women up there in the cockpit.'

    'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
    'It's The Box Office.'

  16. #316
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    Re: From My Inbox

    Quote of the day:

    'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
    She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

    Women are Angels.
    And when someone breaks our wings,
    we simply continue to fly. . .usually on a broomstick.
    We are flexible like that!



  17. The Following User Says Thank You to longnecker For This Useful Post:

    motherof3 (06-04-2012)

  18. #317
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    Re: From My Inbox


    IF YOU DON'T LIKE MITT ROMNEY, HERE'S SOMETHING TO CONSIDER:

    Columnist Andrew McCarthy gives us what probably is the most important question regarding the upcomingpresidential election …

    “ … if Mitt wins the nomination, as seems very likely, I will enthusiastically support his candidacy. For my friends who have hesitation on that score, I'd just ask you to keep five things in mind:


    1.. Justice Scalia just turned 78
    2.. Justice Kennedy will turn 78 later this year
    3.. Justice Breyer will be 76 in August
    4... Justice Ginsburg turned 81 about a week ago.


    We wish them all well, of course, but the brute fact is that whoever we elect as president in November is almost certainly going to choose at least one and maybe more new members of the Supreme Court — in addition to hundreds of other life-tenured federal judges - all of whom will be making momentous decisions about our lives for decades to come.

    If you don’t think it matters whether the guy making those calls is Mitt Romney or Barack Obama, I think you're smokin’ something funky …

    5. So, for anybody who is thinking of NOT voting because your favorite didn’t get nominated, or writing in a candidate who can't win ... Imagine this:

    SUPREME COURT JUSTICE:

    Eric Holder,

    Hillary Clinton,

    Michelle Obama,

    Nancy Pelosi,

    Janet Reno,

    Al Sharpton,

    Jesse Jackson,

    George Soros (he ain’t doing what he’s doing for nuttin’),

    Occupy Wall Street Organizer Cecily McMillan,

    just to name a few!

    Be afraid my friends, be very afraid!

  19. #318
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    Re: From My Inbox

    Fathers Day Wish List

    HERE IS ALL I WANT

    Obama: Gone

    Borders: Closed!






    Congress: Obey its own laws

    Language: English only

    Culture: Constitution, and the Bill of Rights!
    Drug Free: Mandatory Drug Screening before Welfare!
    NO freebies to: Non-Citizens!
    We the people are coming!

  20. #319
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    Re: From My Inbox


    For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest,
    cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings,
    in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossingover that area.




    For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.





    A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado .




    The Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the "cattle" guards immediately!





    Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President




    Joe Biden, intervened with a request that...before any "cattle" guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.

    'Times are hard,' said Joe Biden, 'it's only fair to the cattle guards and their families be given six months of retraining! '

















  21. #320
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    Re: From My Inbox

    Subject: Smart Ass






    Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
    soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready,
    with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

    One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to
    walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

    Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to
    the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud
    voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied
    sarcastically,

    "We're selling ass-holes."

    Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well.
    Only two left."

    Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid.







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