Re: Polish Masturbator Suffers Vision Loss
Well DO TELL, Dr. Michael Ashworth! And just how in the hell do YOU know all of this? Obviously you’ve never heard of statistical errors resulting from too many assumptions based on false pattern recognition. You’d better be tickled pink that it’s not a statistical felony; otherwise you’d be in the big house with a cellmate named Ramrod learning all about the “joys” of anal sex!
I’ll have you know that MY research has found the opposite to be true: that wanki… I mean masturbation does, indeed, cause blindness. And I’ll also have you know that my scientific research career started well before yours did.
The first eight years of my educational journey was in the bowels of an old time Catholic elementary school under the tutelage of NUNS: the Sisters of Perpetual Pain, to be specific.
And I assure you; these women—I’m pretty sure they were women, most of them anyway—were experts on both the deleterious physical side effects AND the ETERNAL punishment awaiting ALL boys who might be tempted to polish the purple helmet from time-to-time.
Of course they NEVER said anything about the GIRLS doing it; but this was probably because the girls didn’t have purple helmets to polish—although a few of the boys always wondered about Anastasia Dwieb.
“Don’t touch yourself down there;” they would tell us. “First you’ll go blind and then you’ll go to hell;” they were always quick to add. It was so bad that no self-respecting boy beyond 4th grade would even admit he had a vision problem, let alone wear glasses.
I’m 73-years old and NOW have to wear glasses. Oh WHY did I not listen? And while I have no idea where it’s coming from, seemingly out of nowhere as I try to fall asleep at night, I occasionally feel whiffs of heat. Could this be hell getting closer?
And this brings up some additional questions about why those nuns never assumed the girls were… you know.
Most of those nuns back in grammar school ended up wearing glasses by the time they reached THIRTY! And, just two weeks ago, I ran into a female classmate from those days. She was wearing glasses with thick lenses. In fact, my first thought was “She’s no more than one step removed from dark glasses, a dog, and a cane.”
Coincidence? I SERIOUSLY doubt it!
Even if the pessimists are right, in the end, the optimists will have had a much more enjoyable trip through life.