I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest
penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend
yet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kevin told me he went for a routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine
until the doctor stuck his index finger up his butt!
He asked me "Do you think I should change dentists?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my
back.
He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated
but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one
point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa !!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in
cells.
It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children oriented
iPod after realizing that ”iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've
been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly
past schools.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a guy just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook.
I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
Next thing I know 4,000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I saidto the lady at the
registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is_disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help
towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we would love too, but our garden hose
only reaches the driveway.