STORY BY Karen Krakower
You remember Her. All women do. Whether you are 12, 22 or 52, you’ll never forget that one girl who had the power to turn an entire group against you. She had spread rumors about you, passed messages behind your back, frozen you out and taken all your friends with her. Even though no one is given a black eye, female bullies leave wounds that can last a lifetime.
The ‘Mean Girls’ syndrome
“Adult bullies aren’t much different from the traditional schoolyard bullies we all think of,” says psychiatrist Ann Saunders, professor of psychiatry at The University of Texas Medical School. “Though usually not physically violent, the scars of exclusion and abandonment can run very deep and are difficult to overcome.”
For good reason, Saunders explains. “Female bullies are very sneaky. They whisper, message, and band together against one victim. The torture is done on the sly, out of view of others.” Their victims rarely know why they’ve been chosen, but once the bully determines her target, the word spreads like a virus within her clique.
Bullying crosses all cultural, religious, gender and nationality barriers. Emotional bullying by females is gaining respect as a serious causative factor in social issues later in life.
Profile of a female bully
Female bullies, fueled by their own insecurities, play on the greater insecurities of others. “There is a gang mentality and these girls are able to incite an entire clique through manipulation and fear,” Saunders says. Saunders explains that “personal power, such as popularity, becomes important when you define yourself through the eyes of your peers.” Usually bullies possess a certain charisma or charm. “She may be fun to be with, someone who makes you feel special when she is favoring you.” But this gift is buried in baggage that also contains other emerging emotional issues: abandonment fears, feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, a sense of powerlessness over other areas of their lives. Powerful fears need powerful weapons. “Bullies rule,” Saunders says, “through passive-aggressive means—it’s what they’re socialized, conditioned, even trained to do.”
A bully will find someone who is “different” to belittle; weaker, to dominate; stronger, to neutralize. She attacks insidiously through gossip, whispering, rumors, and social exclusion from her group or clique. She may be part of the “bully-victim” cycle, needing to control others because she feels bullied - even though it may not be true. Bullies often suffer from paranoia.
Profile of the victim
Victims can be pretty or ugly, fat or thin, popular or invisible. "But they represent something to the bully that is threatening," Saunders says.
Victims begin to act victimized. They become fearful, reclusive and insecure. "They don't realize that this will pass, that the bully only has the power that is given to her by the victim (fueled by bystanders)," Saunders says. "Victims are hyperconscious of group attitudes and how they are perceived by their peers." A typical victim wants to be part of The Group as badly as the bully does, and believes the bully's power is real. The Catch-22 is that most victims are terrified to change the role that they have been unjustly assigned. In the world of jockeying for power remaining a victim is a familiar danger. Challenging the bully after the terror has begun will only make the bullying grow. Long-term emotional damage though, is the price of non-challenge.
Profile of the accomplice: the clique, the groups, the bystanders
“Annie,” a Baylor University graduate remembers her role as a member of the mob who, led by their bully, literally drove a victim out of their middle school.
“Out of terror that we would be the next in line to be shut out, we did what we were told, which was to exclude her, pass rumors about her, make prank phone calls, send instant messages to her computer. It went on every day for years and years,” Annie says.
Annie has no recollection of why the bully targeted that particular girl. “But I remember feeling horrible for this girl and, even though I didn’t do anything to her directly, I never did anything to help her, out of fear that they would turn on me.” Eventually the victim gave up and left the area.
Saunders says that the followers carry out these actions, “even though they know it is wrong, because their urge to ‘belong’ is so great that they can’t afford to say no.”
The mob mentality is often born out of the sheer relief that they are not the target. What targets can do
Apology and forgiveness are difficult issues for bullies. They may never have been taught how to apologize and how to accept an apology.
Potential victims should simply walk away. In other words, if the bully has no victim, they can't bully. Remember that the bully behavior is motivated out of insecurity and jealousy, not because the bully is right. “Most females grow out of the bossy, controlling phase once their sense of selves are strong enough and they begin to form their own identities. But sometimes these are the first signs to serious anti-social behaviors that will continue and worsen in adulthood,” Saunders says.
For adult bullies a visit with a mental health professional is in order. By high school, bullies and victims have usually moved through this phase and are into adult issues.
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