Parenting Help?

arudawakening · #1 08-09-2008, 06:31 PM

Since I am at my wits end with my 10 yr old son, I would like to ask for some help from any experienced parents OR anyone who has any creative ideas on how I can deal with my manipulative son.

A brief history.
He is a very intelligent, well rounded kid. Big for his age, and knows right from wrong. In the presence of others he is a well mannered and well spoken child. I don't want to give the impression that I didn't pay attention to raising him. He is my 2nd child. My oldest just turned 18, is working full time and doing well.

Here is my problem. I can't get him to listen, and he refuses to clean his room. I have tried punishing him by taking away privileges, time outs, and even yes the ocassional spanking when his mouth got out of hand. I am not big on spankings, I don't think they are effective, but when he gets very mouthy I will give him a swat.

He is punished now. He is not allowed outside, he is not allowed to watch TV, he is not allowed to play with his toys. He will sit in one spot.. and play with dust bunnies if he can find one... this is not exaggerated. He will play with the air to amuse himself. It drives me crazy. He is not bothered by being punished. I will give him a time out, and try to make it somewhat uncomfortable... for instance, on his knees, hands behind his back for 5 minutes to think about what he has done (or not done). He will watch the clock, do his time and then get up and go back to playing with the air. So this obviously isn't effective either. Any punishment I can think of, he can turn into sport.

So outside of a good old fashioned a$$ whoopin' what can I do?

Pythoness · #2 08-09-2008, 06:37 PM

I'm having trouble visualizing "playing with air." How does he do that?

arudawakening · #3 08-09-2008, 06:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pythoness

I'm having trouble visualizing "playing with air." How does he do that?

He lays on the floor... on his belly... and traces the lines in the floor tiles, or pretends he can see the molecules floating by and chases them with his hands. I guess playing with air might not be the proper way to describe it.. it's more his imagination but he doesn't need "anything" to entertain himself. He does it because I can't say "stop playing with that!" because there is nothing there! You know what I mean?

Tracy · #4 08-09-2008, 06:53 PM

Instead of punishing, have you tried positive reinforcement, like praise or even small rewards when he does do the things he is supposed to do?

Pythoness · #5 08-09-2008, 06:57 PM

I'll tell you.. I was a stubborn ***hole as a kid. I'm still a stubborn ***hole now, just not to my parents. I'm contrary as a mule, and I don't like being told what to do, and I REALLY balk at being MADE to do something.

The thing that saved me from being totally out of control is that my mother was a) not afraid to backhand the crap out of me if the situation called for it, and b) at least as stubborn as I am, if not more (at least I come by it honestly).

I was probably about four years younger than your son is now when my mom and I had the last real battle of the wills about cleaning my room.

She told me I could not leave my room until it was cleaned. And I thought: Fine. I still won't clean my room, and you can't make me. I'll sit in here forever if I have to.

And I was fully prepared to do exactly that.

What I didn't bargain on is that my mom.. was fully prepared to let me.

I had to stay in my room all day every day, from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed, no phone, no friends, no TV, no radio, no NOTHING except me and the mess in my room.

I held out for about four days.

And trust me, I put on a really good show of not caring and being perfectly happy not being allowed out of my room, too. I read books, I played with toys, I drew, I made a bigger mess than what was in there originally. I occupied myself every way imaginable.

But in the end, I did clean it. And after that, I never had to be told more than twice that my room needed cleaning. And I never thought that when my mom said something, she didn't mean exactly what she said, and would carry it out, exactly like she said. For as long as it took.

Tracy · #6 08-09-2008, 06:59 PM

that's a very simple and very good idea Py!

btw....did you let you out to pee and eat?

Pythoness · #7 08-09-2008, 07:00 PM

I got out to pee and eat, yeah. And I tried like hell not to let it show how relieved I was to be somewhere other than my room at dinner.

Pythoness · #8 08-09-2008, 07:03 PM

Basically, what she did was left it up to me ultimately. It was my call.

I decided not to.. for a little while.

arudawakening · #9 08-09-2008, 09:27 PM

Thank you very much. I have tried positive reinforcement, and that did work for awhile when he was younger. Lately, he has been very defiant and stubborn and it hasn't worked. I have even resorted to bribing him with money! That didn't work either.

I have "banished" him to his room, which led to him doing a little bit here and there and then he would try bargaining. The trouble came in when he would get up after my husband and I were sleeping and sneak out or go hide in his sister's room until he would get caught and be returned to his room.

Last night, my husband took all the lightbulbs out of his room, leaving him with just his little night light, because every time we would leave the room he would turn on his light and start playing again.

I am going to try the making him stay in his room thing again, and this time plan a better strategy. Hopefully it will work. I have the feeling he can hold out at least 4 days you did and maybe one or two more but, if it gets him to realize I mean what I say it will be well worth it.

I'll let ya know how we are coming along. Tomorrow starts Project Banishment

kittykat · #10 08-09-2008, 10:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by arudawakening

Thank you very much. I have tried positive reinforcement, and that did work for awhile when he was younger. Lately, he has been very defiant and stubborn and it hasn't worked. I have even resorted to bribing him with money! That didn't work either.

I have "banished" him to his room, which led to him doing a little bit here and there and then he would try bargaining. The trouble came in when he would get up after my husband and I were sleeping and sneak out or go hide in his sister's room until he would get caught and be returned to his room.

Last night, my husband took all the lightbulbs out of his room, leaving him with just his little night light, because every time we would leave the room he would turn on his light and start playing again.

I am going to try the making him stay in his room thing again, and this time plan a better strategy. Hopefully it will work. I have the feeling he can hold out at least 4 days you did and maybe one or two more but, if it gets him to realize I mean what I say it will be well worth it.

I'll let ya know how we are coming along. Tomorrow starts Project Banishment

Wow good luck , sounds like a smart kid..

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