Most recent Pawn shop find!!!!!

Dear TD Friends,

People who know me are fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey yall hold my drink and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this story chronicled on the History Channel in the near future. Here it goes.

This weekend I spied something at a Pawn Shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this household security product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your basic 250 lb. tattooed sociopath assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, google-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, baby. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed! Upon reading the directions (I'm a Redneck male...we don't need no stinkin directions), I found much to my delight that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect, and unchained electrons are just a whole bunch of fun. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain what that burn spot is on the face of the microwave.

OkayI was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two little bitty AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat on the couch, one of our dogs, Logan, looking on intently (trusting little soul),then reading the directions (that would be me doin' the readin', Not Logan) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Logan for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet animal, after all. But, if I was going to give this as a gift for someone to protect themselves against a mugger, I wanted some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt with my glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Logan looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!! I'm pretty sure that Hulk Hogan ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet eight or nine times. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nip's on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Logan was standing next to me making weird little sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "That was fun! Do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by your violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) Oh my GOD that hurt!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and chest were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen "Da boys"? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda handsome if I must say so myself.
I Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
Me

I enjoyed reading this, but I deleted much in the interest of space. Several years ago, there was a company that advertised personal stun-guns. The cost was around $60.

The advertising made these things look like the greatest thing since popcorn. They showed attractive women using them against creepy-looking men in elevators and old folks using them on would-be muggers.

A main spokesperson for the product was a tall--I mean tall, at least 6 ft, 2 inches--blond bombshell who was a security expert. She looked great and her credentials sounded impressive. Then... she spoke. Wow! A stun-gun in her hands?

I wish I could remember the name of the company. I do remember that about a year after viewing that commercial, they were sued and lost a big one. The units guaranteed non-kill didn't hold up.

The thing about stun-guns and tasers is the fact that the high voltage is not what drops a target. High voltage doesn't hurt anyone. It's the amperage.

One-amp, under the right circumstances will kill an adult instantly. Most of these personal products use between 5 and 8-milliamps. Even this could kill a person with a heart condition. Mostly though, it just knocks the crap out of them.

Oh, yes, it's also a great birth control device. As for "Da Boys," even if you get them back, they may not work as well as the used to.

Regards,

__________________
Joe Walther
http://thetruefacts.blogharbor.com

I've seen people shocked before my very eyes. A few friends of mine own some and play the "sleep" game. If someone fell asleep. Guess what happened? I've seen a guy completely sleep turn into a gold medal acrobat.

__________________
A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine. - Thomas Jefferson

Shall I bring mine tomorrow night for The Guys Night Out ??

__________________
"When faced with facts and truths do the Democratic thing, Ignore them they will go away" Me
Senator Obama what is your experience ?
I have been in the Senate for a total of 1347 days of which 600 of them have been running for President of the United States I have introduced 121 pieces of Legislation of which 116 never made it out of committee's and 2 passed. I have released 6 books and one cd in that time.
Oh that is not good enough? I was also a community organizer I am good at pushing buttons

WARNING: Someone who cares about me is well trained in the use of their weapon and accurate at 800 meters.

This is me.